Or at least, what passes for the News these days.

From Perez Hilton:

Is this guy just crazy or really determined to get in?

Last Thursday, a Ventura County man crashed his vehicle into the main gates at Hugh Hefner’s Playboy mansion.

Detectives believe the reason was due to an “ongoing dispute” but did not offer any further details.

But, here’s the kicker, then the unnamed suspect did it again!

On Tuesday, he rammed his car into the front gates for the second time in less than a week.

This time though he fled before police arrived.

The gates did sustain some damage, though luckily no one was hurt.

As for Hef and the girls, it’s unknown if they were home at the time of the incidents.

Leave our bunnies alone!

Received this nugget of information in my In Box today:

Hi Matthew,

I thought you and your readers would like to help us congratulate James Peters, a Thousand Oaks, CA, resident who recently won the ‘GORE-TEX® Footwear Diamond in the Rough’ contest by finding a hidden GORE-TEX® brand logo in Ventura, CA.

James Peters will receive $500 in GORE-TEX® gear for his next vacation.

…

W.L. GORE & ASSOCIATES NAMES FIRST WINNERS IN ‘GORE-TEX® FOOTWEAR DIAMOND IN THE ROUGH’ CONTEST

– Game Pieces Found in New York and California; Contest Continues in International Destinations —

Elkton, MD – April 30, 2008 – W.L. Gore & Associates, a leading manufacturer of advanced technology products including the GORE-TEX® brand, today announced that two hidden GORE-TEX® brand game pieces have been found in Ithaca, New York and Ventura, California, within one week after the launch of the ‘GORE-TEX® Footwear Diamond in the Rough’ contest. The ‘GORE-TEX® Footwear Diamond in the Rough’ contest challenges U.S. travelers to uncover a hidden GORE-TEX® brand game piece in eight of the 10 destinations selected as Top 10 GORE-TEX® Footwear Summer Travel Destinations for 2008. Each winner will receive $500 in GORE-TEX® gear.

…

Ventura, California

On April 18, 2008, avid rock climber, James Peters, learned about the ‘GORE-TEX® Footwear Diamond in the Rough’ contest and decided that he would make the trip to Ventura, CA to join in the fun. Peters traveled 30 miles from Thousand Oaks, CA and found the hidden game piece at Ventura Visitors and Convention Bureau.

“I am an avid and frequent traveler, so when I learned about the ‘GORE-TEX® Footwear Diamond in the Rough Contest, I could not resist making the trip to Ventura. Not only did I find the game piece, but I was able to enjoy the charming downtown and the cool coastal weather of this Southern California beach town. I am very excited to be the winner for California and I am eager to get and use some new GORE-TEX® gear,” commented James Peters.

First off, I like the insinuation that this “avid rock climber” made some sort of daring trek — possibly across a jagged, unforgiving landscape, fighting off giant scorpions and dysentery — from Thousand Oaks to Ventura in order to win this prize. And I especially enjoyed his “comment” on “the cool coastal weather of this Southern California beach town.” C’mon, did he really say that? As if this guy who lives in 20 minutes away just happened to stumble upon some quaint oceanside oasis in his quest for free GORE-TEX. This is why I chose not to go into the PR wing of journalism, even though all my self-loathing college professors insisted that’s where all the money is.

And am I the only person who thought GORE-TEX was something Seinfeld made up?

Dishin’ dimes to the nation’s underprivileged, d’in up America’s enemies, drainin’ jump shots on the economy…

Should I be embarrassed that this Dockers commercial makes me want to move to San Francisco?

From Yale Daily News:

Art major Aliza Shvarts ‘08 wants to make a statement.

Beginning next Tuesday, Shvarts will be displaying her senior art project, a documentation of a nine-month process during which she artificially inseminated herself “as often as possible” while periodically taking abortifacient drugs to induce miscarriages. Her exhibition will feature video recordings of these forced miscarriages as well as preserved collections of the blood from the process.

My uterus hurts just reading about this. And I don’t even have one.

But I’m not necessarily against this “project” in and of itself, however. When artists choose to do “shocking” things such as this — or place a crucifix in a jar of urine , or create a portrait of the Virgin Mary using elephant crap — I don’t get into the whole “is this art” debate. It’s a fruitless endeavor. In my opinion, the definition of “art” is in the eye of the beholder — meaning that, yes, literally anything can be considered art if someone says it is. The question is never, “Is this art?” It should always be, “Is this good art?”

In this particular case, my answer is: No, it is not good art. And it is not good art because the artist has failed in what she set out to accomplish. She implicates her failure in this quote:

“I hope it inspires some sort of discourse,” Shvarts said. “Sure, some people will be upset with the message and will not agree with it, but it’s not the intention of the piece to scandalize anyone.”

Judging by the discussions I’ve seen on a few message boards and a conversation I just had with a friend of mine, all this piece has succeeded in doing is scandalizing people. Observers aren’t talking about what her supposed “message” is; they are only discussing the shocking nature of the project itself. I’m sure once I get home and turn on the cable news networks, there is not going to be any dialogue about the relationship between art and the human body, as she wanted — the pundits are going to focus solely on the “is this art” question. Thus, Ms. Shvarts’ project is a failure.

Now, if she had admitted that causing a kind of surface-level controversy was part of the concept, then the project could be considered some measure of a success. But then, shocking for the sake of being shocking is an empty pursuit, anyway, and the piece would still suck.

BTW, I hate when artists give that coy “I didn’t mean to shock people” line when something is so obviously going to shock people. It’s not the message that’s upsetting, either: It’s the fact that you’re giving yourself a miscarriage.

I just wanted to put this on here because the whole Annie Oakley bit nearly made me spit orange juice at my computer screen. Barack is just straight clownin’ in this clip!

This is why I got in the business, son. For sites like this.

But who will eat the lasagna? WHO?!